I have been very fortunate that both my parents have been stubbornly independent. They have/had hobbies and friends.
I started being an unpaid carer I guess in my 30’s when my mum’s vision suddenly deteriorated due to glaucoma damage (she has several health conditions, but this was when I had to step up the most). I attended medical appointments with her and drove her where she needed to go as she no longer could drive. At this point in time doing the running errands was no problem, it was the emotional support that I had to give to both my dad and mum that was draining.
In my 40’s my fathers health began to decline and then I was arranging and driving them both to their appointments, which seemed never ending. I had to work out how to get their shopping, medications and just general life squeezed into my own life, with a partner and a demanding full-time job. I worried for their emotional and mental wellbeing as they were practically stuck to the house as my dad had to give up driving as well and his mobility was reducing by the month.
In the end, my health took a downturn, and I was no longer able to work fulltime which was a financial worry for me, but on the positive side it gave me one day a week where I was not working. So, it was agreed that this was the day to organise any appointments for as I would keep this day free to do their errands or driving. This eased some of the pressure off of me and gave them some independence and gave them back some of their dignity in being able to arrange things for a set day without always having to double check with me first. I made daily calls to them to ensure they were managing ok, I would often go around to their home 4 miles away just for a coffee so they had a different face and a different conversation, which uplifted them greatly. This also allowed me to take them out for little trips in the car, it could be as simple as going to the local café for coffee so they could see the world go by or to a river where I would walk the dog and they would sit with an ice cream. This helped me to feel like a daughter rather than a carer even though that was my role too.
In 2016/17, we were told that dad was terminally ill. I was limited in what I could physically do for him. So, my role was to emotionally/mentally support him and do whatever I could to ease things for mum, whether that be cooking a meal or walking the dog. This allowed her to do the personal care for my dad. He kept fighting until 2019 when he passed away just 2 days before their 56th anniversary. The doctors then told us, that they had not expected him to last more than 6 months and they were shocked how he continued for so long.
2023 Mum had a stroke, and I had to move in with her for a while as she needed supervising. Even today I organise my mums’ appointments etc., and make sure she gets to them. Since my dad passed away, I ensure that mum gets a holiday every year with me which she gets so excited about. I feel drained and exhausted from not only looking after my mum’s wellbeing but also trying to balance my own needs. Soon mum will be undergoing knee surgery, and the consultant has suggested I move in with her for 3 months post-surgery. This will be hard work for us both, we continue to have open dialogue, especially to ensure that she keeps her independency and her dignity – something that we both value highly.
Mum and I are grateful for our faith, which gives us strength and the friends we have that support us as well. I will never regret the precious moments that I have with my parents, even if it is being an unpaid carer. There will be no guilt as I know that I have done my absolute best to care and provide for both my parents.