“You awight, sweetheart?”
We’ve all heard someone talk to an older relative or disabled person in a condescending tone or using condescending language. But why do people still use patronising endearments? As I found out, there are pros and cons to addressing someone as “love” “hen” “sweetheart” and there’s definitely contexts where it feels ok. To be honest, I’m still trying to figure out what endearments are ok to use, and why certain endearing language like “love” is ok for some situations and not others.
These days surely we understand that when meeting an older person or a disabled person for the first time, we need to respect that person’s boundaries for different reasons: personal boundaries are not just an archaic reflection of societal class/hierarchy, it’s about respecting the experiences of another, surely? I don’t think THAT knowledge has passed to everyone.
In an environment where society is a lot more aware about respecting individual’s identity and personal characteristics (UK Protected Characteristics) and also about how people prefer to identify, so I wonder then why some carers still use patronising and condescending language (PCL), to elderly people or those with disabilities. For the older community, the term ‘elderspeak’ also includes talking to the person in a different tone or speaking to them in a higher or childish voice.
I hasten to add that this has been written because I have witnessed PCL towards my 93 years old mum when people meet her initially. I have not been inspired to write this because of her current carers, who are extraordinary people.
“Lovey”, “sweetheart”, “darling” “my love” or “sweety”
AgeUK and Alzheimer’s Society recognise endearing language as Elderspeak, and they suggest it should be avoided, ‘Some people may like being called ‘love’ or ‘dear’, but unless you know the person it is usually best to use their name instead. This helps keep their dignity intact,’ (Alzheimers Society, 2024). Surely then professionals in 2024 should understand that PCL demonstrates stereotyping and emphasises difference. It can increase unnecessary stereotypes, ‘discrimination and reinforces inequalities,’ (Draper, 2003; Perez-Almendros, Espinosa-Anke and Schoaert, 2020).
The first time I saw PCL happen to her, it was 5 years ago with a local carer: “You ok my sweetheart”. Her mouth fell open, she looked at me then laughed so hard I felt sorry for the carer, who had obviously misjudged the old person stereotype. I explained to the carer that she doesn’t appreciate being called “darling or sweet” and their response was a bit confusing “But I say it to everyone!” 🤦🏻How does that make it ok for everyone!
Mum is lucky that she has professional carers in regularly, she is fond of their company, she trusts them and they make time to chat with her – one human to another. They have worked with her for over a year. When she was poorly recently, I heard one of them say “Yes, unfortunately it’s 3 tablets today, love”, they rolled their eyes in empathy. It was a touching moment as they wouldn’t normally use endearments with my mum, but she mirrored their eyes and swallowed the tablets. She knows the carers well and they obviously have a good bond. It is very apparent that her carers respect that this is a clever human being who is an equal.
However, as my mum is a bit mutton Jeff (Cockney rhyming slang for deaf), the chances are she might not always hear how she is addressed anyway. I thought I’d gauge if mum had a renewed point of view now that her Dementia had progressed since her diagnosis three years ago:
“If someone said those words [to me], it’d probably make me laugh. It’s ridiculous. But it’s not their fault: it’s how they were brought up to speak to people… They [carers] should be trained better, that’s the thing. MY mother would have just left the room!”
“It’s not their fault… it’s how they were brought up.” So, let me get this straight: my mum rationalises endearments as ‘they were raised differently to me…naww bless!!’…forgive me, but isn’t THAT also looking down on THEM. Oh dear ☹ the irony! (clears throat)
I asked mum what she thought about confronting someone who uses those words: would she ask them to stop? She said categorically, “No! It’s up to them … I just couldn’t do it.” So PCL puts my mum in a challenging situation because she risk upsetting her carer if she ask them to stop? Not many people that age want to be seen as ‘difficult’ because their lives are in their carers’ hands. But my mum heard her carer’s little “love” the other day and it didn’t appear to unsettle her, but it’s about the individuals and context.
Others’ opinions
I’ve read different forum posts where the client enquires about carers using endearments regarding Dementia; many of these threads were dated ten years ago when we might have been less aware of identity boundaries/agism and respecting difference in our society. There was a clear theme in one forum, where a son heard patronising language and tone to his dad: ignore the carer’s language
‘If the [carer] is kind and it sounds like she has been doing her job well isn’t it best to just leave it?’
‘Is your father upset by this? If not, I would be inclined to leave it.’
‘There are some carers at mum & dad’s CH who have a similar patronising tone […] Mum and I were talking about it a while back & came to the conclusion that it takes all kinds & if thats just their way then not to worry.’
(Alzheimers, 2013)
So should older people and their families, ignore inappropriate behaviour? Maybe endearments just aren’t inappropriate when they get to know their carers.
The last point I’d like to put before you, reader, is that we shouldn’t forget, the families should also have a say in appropriate endearments and comments. They are likely to have a similar outlook because of it. But I think to fully understand the context in which the endearment is delivered is important: we mustn’t forget that older and younger generations have more complex experiences of etiquette, including at what point to show respect to one another with endearments. Consider older people were likely educated by a community, or closer-knit families that understood defined, social levels in society. People of my mum’s generation lived through wars, and were even been brought up around people born in the Victorian or Edwardian periods. Should that just be eroded just because carers haven’t experienced those social boundaries? “But I say that to everyone.” Caring isn’t about everyone: it’s about respecting the individual.
However, I have another confession to make: if an elderly lady calls me “love” “hen” or “darling” it melts my heart a weeny bit. I know, I know! Yet, if a man below 70 were to say the same thing, I’d feel a bit ick! Why? Because our language is still littered with invisible barriers provided by our families. They don’t disappear-they are with us to apply to every environment we encounter. We can mask how we feel, adapt our language and opinions, but our barriers are still there.